The Battle For The Conch Republic

After conch-tacting the news director at WPIK to confirm the rumor, this Office called Prime Minister Dennis Wardlow to inform him of the pending invasion that was planned by the 478^th without prior conch-sultation with our government. The Prime Minister stated his intention to take some much needed R&R from his own battles with Federalist Forces, and placed the Office of the Secretary General in command of the situation with full faith and confidence in our ability to defend the Republic.

At 10 AM the Armed Forces of the Conch Republic were placed on full alert subsequent to conch-sultation with the Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, Admiral Wilhelmina Harvey. WOZN (the Ozone) radio was briefed as the official Emergency Broadcast station of the Conch Republic, and they began to inform the citizenry and Armed Forces members of the grave situation we were facing.

By noon on Wednesday a letter was on its way to the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States, with copies to the Joint Chiefs of Staff at the Pentagon, and Secretary of State Warren Christopher via our Special White House Envoy, Kerry Kirschner in Sarasota.

This letter protested in the strongest possible terms this so-called "training exercise" being conducted in our country without any prior conch-sultation with our government. We assured the President that while we found this incursion lacking in Humor and Respect, we would find appropriately funny ways to repel it.

We set a War Cabinet meeting for that night. Rear Admiral Finbar of the Flagship Schooner WOLF, and Conch Republic Air Force General Freddy Cabanas attended, along with Rob and Roxanne Kunkle who formed INTERCONCH as our ultra secret Intelligence Conch-tingent. A Battle Plan was hatched for dealing with the unauthorized incursion of the 478^th. General Cabanas would bomb the convoy with stale Cuban bread (our historic weapon of choice for dealing with Federalist Forces) as they crossed the Boca Chica Bridge to soften them up. Meanwhile, Admiral Harvey and Rear Admiral Finbar would muster the troops to meet the invaders at the Stock Island Bridge, and prevent them from entering the Capital.

On Thursday morning, the Office of the Secretary General conch-tacted elements of the 478^th to inform them of our war footing, and copy them the letters of protest we had sent to the Commander in Chief, the Pentagon, and the State Department. The 478^th was astounded. We informed them that they had committed a serious breach of international protocol; and were going to have to pay the price for this affront to our sovereignty under the adverse possession statutes of International Law, and their affront to our hospitality.

Meanwhile, the Conch Republic’s munitions industry, La Dichosa Bakery, was placed on full alert to produce vast quantities of stale Cuban bread. Their commendable performance in the face of the threat to our sovereignty will never be forgotten. Baking far into the night and the wee hours of the morning the produced a formidable quantity of ammunition. The Northernmost Voice of the Conch Republic, SUN 103 in Key Largo, was placed on alert, and watches were set to report on the 478th progress in their incursion into the Conch Republic.

Meanwhile, the 478^th was starting to wonder what they had gotten themselves into. At 9.45 PM a Major Muller was on the phone trying to talk their way out of full scale war. Major Muller explained that they were the "good guys", were not here to harm us, and hoped confrontation could be avoided. It was explained to him that our plans were set, were irrevocable, and that they would be repelled if they refused to meet our demands at the border of the Capital. The Major requested a copy of our demands, which were faxed to him as we talked. Upon review, the Major felt that our demands were acceptable. At 10:50 PM we received a fax from the 478^th on U.S. Department of the Army letterhead stating that they had "...in no way meant to challenge or impugn the sovereignty of the Conch Republic".

We had won without firing a shot. The United States Army had acknowledged the sovereignty of the Conch Republic.

Even though the battle was now to be ceremonial, by Friday morning all was in readiness. WOZN had been on full Emergency Broadcast, and the citizenry was alerted and enthusiastic. INTERCONCH was in position. The Air Force was ready, Admiral Harvey was in uniform, and in command. Key West Lager had agreed to provide the beer, the Key West Police Department and the Sheriff’s Department had been alerted to expect an incident, and the 478^th was rolling.

Over two hundred citizens and members of the Navy, Air Force, and Army (ours) were crowded at the foot of the Cow Key Channel Bridge. INTERCONCH kept Command and Control constantly apprised of the whereabouts of the lead elements of the 478L-h in spite of the fact that they were taking fire from the Conch Republic Air Force themselves as they crossed the Boca Chica Bridge. As the 478^th rolled onto the Stock Island Bridge; the Armed Forces of the Conch Republic sallied forth onto the Bridge led by Admiral Harvey and Rear Admiral Finbar, and stopped the lead vehicle of the 478^th dead in its tracks. Major Kim Hooper dismounted, and approached the Admiral. They were introduced. Admiral Harvey read him our list of Demands including her request of him to ask permission to enter our Country. He accepted all our demands with a very polite, "Yes Ma’am!" At that point, a mighty blast from the Queen Conch Horn, and a ceremonial blast of the WOLF’s cannon welcomed the Gentlemen and Ladies of the 478^th onto our island. We had won!

Conch Republic history, indeed, but 1993 was not yet over. The U.S. government was yet to provide us with even greater opportunities to shine our light. The latter part of the year saw two shutdowns of the United States government over budget issues. The Report from the Conch Republic follows:

U.S. Shuts Down…Conch Republic Open !

In November the United States government shut down...no passports, no parks, no services...shit down over the budget. The Conch Republic immediately faxed the world the following:

"KEY WEST - The Conch Republic, "America’s Own Little Country", is pleased to announced that it is unaffected by the U.S. Government’s partial shutdown; and that anyone needing a passport can apply for a Conch Republic Passport (overnight service available) through the Office of the Secretary General.

The Conch Republic’s Conch-sulates remain open in Atlanta, New Orleans, Maine, Switzerland, and Havana. All government services remain open in the Conch Republic. We realize that the shutdown in Washington may further delay processing of the foreign aid we requested from Washington in 1982, but since we have been waiting for fourteen years, a few more days or weeks won’t matter. Anyone desiring a Conch Republic Passport may conch-tact the Office of the Secretary General at 3O5-296-O213 for immediate assistance." On day two of the shutdown we sent out, "Day Two, Conch Republic Still Open" and the text as it reads, above. Day Three, the same, and so on. Our persistence won a masthead editorial from the Editorial Board of the MIAMI HERALD in praise of the Conch Republic entitled, "A Stab at Nation Making" on Thanksgiving Day! Thank God for humor...", said the HERALD. Things became less than funny, however, when the United States shut down again in December. Our tour operators (who had lost a combined approximately $30,000.00 per day in revenues) during the Thanksgiving Holiday were facing the same devastating consequences in the single busiest time of the year, the Christmas week holiday. Our report to the Nation on the steps we took to try to remedy that situation follows:

The Taking of Fort Jefferson

When the Federal government shut down this December, the Conch Republic decided to "go to bat" for our tour operators being crushed economically by the closure of Ft. Jefferson in the Dry Tortugas National Park. When we found out that the Smithsonian’s Vermeer Exhibit was being opened with private donations, we said our ourselves, "...why not reopen Ft. Jefferson with donations from our tour operators...?" The Office of the Secretary General was on the phone to the National Park Service at Everglades National Park, "How much per day to run Ft. Jefferson?" The answer... approximately $1600 per day...was relayed to the operators. They immediately agreed to pay for the reopening. What was $1600 per day compared to the combined $30,000 per day they were losing?

So we called the Park Service and told them we had the money...reopen the Park! No dice, they said...we can only enter into agreements with the State of Florida...

"What about the Smithsonian," we asked...

"Uhhhh...I dunno..."

There was nobody home in Washington to ask. They were either furloughed, or on vacation for the holidays. The Governor’s Office in Tallahassee couldn’t have been more helpful... They’d love to help, but there is no mechanism for the State to take private money and make official commitments based on private promises... They’d see what they could do...

The days wore on as our businesses went broker and broker. Frustrated by a government that just plain wasn’t home, we finally decided to take the bull by the horns and fly out there with a check for the first day of operation, and declare the Fort open in the name of the Conch Republic. King Mel Fisher’s former attorney_, David Paul Horan was ready to take the government to court, but they needed a "habeas corpus" to commit civil disobedience and get a citation for entering a "closed Federal facility". It was time to go to the fort.

Accompanied by intrepid Key West Citizen reporter, Jennifer K. Mahal, a private seaplane flew us to Ft. Jefferson to deliver the check, declare the Fort open in the name of the Conch Republic, and get a citation. Landing at the Fort in very rough conditions, (Jennifer earned herself a Citation for Valor on this day) we confronted the Park Service Staff. It was a very polite encounter, but the ticket was issued. The case called "The United States of America vs. Peter Anderson" was born. 

"The United States of America vs. Peter Anderson" is went to Federal Court several months later. You have never seen a government in more of a hurry to drop a case.

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